#21 - New Tats

Angie and I made the trip to the radiation treatment center on Friday morning.  As with most everything that we have experienced at MDA the "system" was well thought out and ran like clockwork.  We pulled up to the radiation treatment entrance and promptly tossed the keys of the Mazdaratti 3 to the free valet.  I made sure that I gave him the look.  You know, the look that says, sorry you have to get in this thing. Anyhow, we picked up our valet ticket and slipped in the door.  The place was pretty full but after we checked in we only had to wait ~ 5 minutes before we got called back.  The visit with the doc was nice.  They had a sneak preview to my Thursday PET scan and were the first to tell me that it was clear and that they didn't see any activity above background levels.  A follow up CT scan still shows a mass but it is basically a dead lump of tissue (so we think).  We want to make sure that we go the extra mile and thus, I will begin a 36 Gray radiation therapy that will be dished out in 22 fractions.

The therapy consists of using a linear particle accelerator to shoot a concentrated beam of radiation right at the mass in question.  It is pretty accurate and they can basically control the beam to hit only the mass.  Tissue in front of and directly behind may take a little bit of a beating. In order to cut down on the amount of collateral damage they want to make sure that they can hit the same area every time. Unfortunately it is a bit more difficult when you are targeting something in your abdomen.  My abdomen is as hard as a rock. It is right up there on the hardness scale hovering between carbide and diamond.  I guess most other people have "a bowl full of jelly" and things move around from day to day. I decided to show some humility and opted not to make a big deal about them wanting to take some extra steps to make sure they hit the same spot.

I was taken into a CT scanner and laid on a table. After they got me into the position that wanted me at, they made a custom mold of my legs. I asked if there was something else they could do to increase my street cred and we decided on some custom ink work.  I ended up with three new tatoos. One on each hip and one several inches south of my belly button.  They may only be the size of freckles but they have already given me an ego boost.  I have also started to talk a little bit like Rocky Balboa.  After getting my new "work" done and my mold made up I was ready to go.

I made a follow up trip to MDA today.  They officially informed me that I was in Remission.  I still think it is a little early to celebrate but it is good news.

Tomorrow - Kidney Function Test  (another radio-isotope test)
Thursday - Radiation Round 1  ,  

yo Adrian

#20 - Warning, Tomographic Post

One more day of my life was spent cruising the MDA.  It is a different experience every time, but there is one constant. I leave the building knowing that I am much better off than most of the people there.  I feel guilty that things seem to have been so smooth for us.

The hospital itself is a large facility with a number of hallways and several different commons areas where you can hang out.  Most of the "hang outs" are filled with bald heads, masks, and any number of I.V poles, pumps, and various other feeding tubes etc.  It is quite a gathering of pain. They are people who come from all over the world to get help.  For many, this is their last stop, and their last shot at trying to stop the thing that is creeping up on them.  It is basically a gathering of some of the worst of the worst.  It is a heart-breaker to be there.  I have to hand it to the staff, they have truly been awesome.  It is neat to see the patience and the great respect they show for everyone.

The side effects seem to be worse now than they were during chemo.  Maybe it just takes a while for all the cells to die, and for it to start showing up but they have been a bit rough and I have had to learn to be careful.  My mouth is ultra sensitive to spicy food. I had a little A-1 sauce on Monday night and my mouth was on fire like I had just chewed up a jalapeno.  Forget salsa. My head is sweating just thinking about it. My index finger on my left hand has gone numb and it looks like I am going to possibly loose my nail.  My toes have gone a little numb as well.  My toes were itching the other night in bed so I started rubbing my feet together a little bit.  I didn't pay much attention to what I was doing and I ended up giving myself what looks like road rash on the tops of my toes.  I'm scabbed up now but if that's the worst of it, I will take it. 

Today was hopefully my last PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scan.  I am beginning to feel like a lymph veteran.  This is only my 3rd but the procedure feels pretty routine.

• Check in ,  
• Snag a medical bracelet
• Get called back to the diagnostics area
• Tell 4 different people what my name and birth date is.
• Weigh in,
• Change into hospital scrubs,
• Get a warm blanket (booyeah)
• Walk down the hall to a very small (Just big enough to get a recliner in) exam room.
• Sit down, kick back.
• Tech starts an IV
• Tech snags a lead encased vial of the radio-isotope and starts pushing the tracer.
• Snag a 50 minute nap
• empty bladder of whatever tracer you can 
• lay down on the cat scan table/sled/bed/ whatever it is  (this trip seemed to be more comfortable than before.  The techs were awesome and super personable)
• Put your arms up over the pillow above your head and hold still,
• Scan for 20 minutes and thats all she wrote

 I have been paying very close attention to see if the tracer has some kind of body changing affect.  I have learned that when exposed to such radioactive substances, you begin to shoot webs, grow muscles, run fast etc.   I am pretty sure that I have the looks to be Captain America but I just need to be patient for the body changes.  It is a tough call because I would like Angie to get started on sewing a up a super suit,  but I'm not sure what measurements we should shoot for.  I suppose that is why most super suits are made out of spandex.  We have all seen people that defy physics and somehow manage to get into  "stretchy pants".  Who can blame them? "When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. It's for fun" - Nacho

I haven't noticed any real changes to my biceps or pecs but I was encouraged today when I noticed how fast I could throw down a Whataburger. Seriously, I doubt it took me 2 minutes.  I was a bit hungry after the 20 hour fast but still, the speed of consumption indicates some super human changes.  It wasn't quite blurrrry fast, but it was close.  I think I will take to the streets tomorrow to put my foot speed to the test.  If I can manage a jog, it will be proof that the transformation has started.  Another test might be to see if I can finish more than half of one of Landon's cross fit work outs.

Big Day Tomorrow

• Radiation Consult
• Radiation Trial Run
• Camping / Fishing with Hudson @ Matagorda Beach  Fri/Sat

#19 - The Big Dud

I wish that I could say that I was super duper stoked, after I finished the last round of chemo but I never did get that moment.  I can think of a few occasions where on great days (school finals, etc)  I would get back to my car, let out a shout, crank the tunes and drive away.  On February 21st,  I headed back to my car after having spent 15 hours in and around the hospital.  I can't recall exactly what I was feeling, but just trying to recall any thoughts or emotions stirs up the smell of chemicals that I probably had in my nose at the time.  MMMMMMMM chemo drugs,,,smell very similar to rubbing alcohol. The actual treatment is contained to the IV, the tubing and the port, but as it hits the circulatory system and your lungs, you quickly begin to exhale / taste / smell some of Johnson & Johnson's finest home cooking.  Anyhow,  I hit the car and headed home in fairly anti-climatic fashion.

Maybe I should do a quick rewind and recap the day.  I left early to make a 7:30 blood draw.  Having become a somewhat seasoned daily commuter, I realized that in order to make MDA I was going to need to hit the road by about 6:00ish. Barring an accident on the concrete luge run that is commonly referred to as the West Park tollway,  I was good to go.  Angie stayed behind to see the kids off to school and joined me as I was finishing up vitals and the blood draw.  We hung around and waited for the visit with the doctor and everything was great with the exception that my next scheduled chemo treatment wasn't on the calendar until July.  A typo had me bumped from the schedule but they were able to find a place for me in the afternoon.  With a few hours to knock out,  Angie and I made our way over to D'Amicos for lunch.  It was pretty awesome and reminded us of being in some of the small restaurants in Italy.  The food was the real deal and it was a great diversion.  We made our way back to the hospital and waited, and waited, and waited.  Finally!  our pager went off and we reported to the main desk.  It was then that we were told that they were so far behind, that we were being moved to another floor and was given another pager to wait.   We finally made it in, got hooked up, and it was on! (time stamp 4 PM)  In a matter of minutes, I was groggy and was on my way out of consciousness.  I remember being a little frustrated and having a hard time getting comfortable. I was tossing all over the place so I thought.  What hadn't really registered is that every time I tossed, 30 minutes had rolled off and pretty soon, it was 7:00.  It was great to have Angie there, and she was determined to stay with me for the last one, but it didn't make much sense for her to watch me sleep. I was going to run late, and the kids needed a mom so she left for home.  As the nurse was pulling the needle from my port, and as she was cleaning up, she made the comment "See you next time".  I suppose this was the moment when I should have jumped, kick my heels together and have shouted something witty, but I didn't even bother sharing that this was my last one. I was afraid I would end up engaged in a conversation I didn't have the energy for. 

In the days since the last round, many people have asked a number of variants to the question "Aren't you soooo excited it's over???".  I still don't know how to properly answer the question.  I have sat here for the last 20 minutes trying to put into words how I feel. Well, make that 30 now.  I am sure that the following won't make sense to anyone but if I put it down now, I don't know that I will ever come back to it.

I am happy that chemo is over, but happy isn't the right word.  Happy seems too strong of a word and shows emotion.  It makes no sense at all but I feel very dead / neutral to being done. I know that chemo is horrible(will not attempt to explain).  Logically I want very much to never have to do it again.  I am terrified of the thought of possibly having to do it again, but for whatever reason, I can't get excited about being done.  Maybe relief is a better word but I don't really feel relieved.  My mind keeps swirling around these points:

• I'm not really done - I still have radiation
• I don't think anyone will ever tell me "You are cured"
• Without a "cured" title, chemo will always feel suspended rather than finished.

Well that was a rabbit hole I didn't intend to go down.  What shows up as a paragraph here, was about an hour of some pretty deep thought.  I guess it was good to process.  I haven't really given much thought to my last treatment.  I certainly haven't attempted to wrap my head around how I feel about it.  I didn't think I would blow my own mind on it,,,,, lol  It is late,

Next Up -  Radiation Therapy Consult and Simulation Run 3/15

Some cool things have happened since my last post.

• Camping with Hudson on the "Be a pig/man" camp out where we hung out with the older boys and cooked a whole pig.

Hudson - Slack Line Beast

A knife and a stick. What more could you ask for?

• Watched Hudson and Gracie grip the wool and bust some mutton at the Katy rodeo.  Gracie's ride was posted on youtube.  Although I am proud of Hudson, his split second ride on "Tornado" and the tears that followed didn't warrant being posted on the internet.

• Made a trip to SA to stop by the Alamo and SeaWorld.